The Pillsbury Pamphlets
by TheLovelyMaggieMay
Summary: Emma's pamphlets are highly educational, and it would be a shame not to share them, right?
1. Chapter 1

I was watching an old Season 1 episode with my dear friend Corinne, and we noticed Emma's rather... _interesting_ pamphlets. I got to wondering about what sort of circumstances could POSSIBLY require some of the more ridiculous ones, and thus, a series of itty-bitty oneshots was born :)

This is bizarre. I know. They all will be.

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**Radon: The Silent Killer**

With the exception of a toothpaste-meets-cardigan incident while she was getting ready, Emma Pillsbury had been having a fairly uneventful morning, although it was only second period. As she finished cleaning the glass wall separating her from the high school hallway, the bell rang, and students poured into the hallway. She spotted Lucy, a girl who had once been a stress-eater of her own hair, walking and swishing her long blond mane behind her.

"Why, I solved that one without a pamphlet_," _Emma thought to herself.

Suddenly, the door banged open, tearing Emma from her memories of afternoons teaching Lucy about other stress-management strategies.

"Miss Pillsbury?" asked the intruder. "I need help."

"What can I do for you, Brittany?" Emma asked as she motioned for the slightly lost-looking Cheerio to sit down.

"My house has bugs," Brittany informed her. Emma shuddered at the thought, and nudged her bottle of Purell a little closer to the girl.

"I see," said Emma. "Well, um, I'm not sure that would really be a, um... a problem for a guidance counselor." She looked up to see Brittany's face fall. "But you know what, Brittany? I'm going to help you find an exterminator," Emma added as she pulled a phonebook from under her desk.

Brittany perked up again.

"Exterminator? Like the movie?"

"E... e... e... No, not like the movie. Exterminators kill... bugs." Emma flipped through the pages. "Aha! Exterminators! Let's see... Brittany, do you know what kind of bugs they are?" Emma asked as she restrained another shudder.

"My mom said they were called... uh..." Brittany thought for a moment. "Radon! She said 'Brittany, stay out of the basement, there's radon,' but I like the way the radons smell. So I went in the basement."

"Radons?" Emma repeated.

"Uh-huh. They're bugs that look like mice. But they smell nice."

"Wha- OH!" she exclaimed as it clicked together in her mind. "Brittany, radon isn't a bug, it's a gas. It's extremely dangerous; they call it the silent killer. In fact, I've got a pamphlet right here!" she said, beaming as she pulled the pamphlet from the box and slid it across the desk.

Brittany picked up the pamphlet and considered the cover for a moment.

"Miss Pillsbury, I can't read this. There are too many... letters."

Emma's already wide eyes widened. She took a deep breath before picking up her phone. She called Brittany's third period teacher to inform her that Brittany wasn't going to be in class today.

"This one's an 'R', Brittany."

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Soooo... Whaddaya think? Please do be honest, but not mean. Also: I'm still on the fence about one thing. Should I keep this little series between our favorite mysophobe and our favorite functionally illiterate cheerleader? Or should I let ALL the Glee kids receive the wisdom of the Pillsbury Pamphlets? Thoughts?


	2. Chapter 2

**I'm baaaaack! Sorry it's been so long, I've been feeling uninspired, and plus the initial reaction to this story was a little underwhelming. I read the stats... upwards of 150 people read, but only two reviewed. TWO! This isn't a shameless plea for reviews (yes, it is), I'm just saying. It's tricky to write when you don't think there's any interest... Anyway, here I am with "HELP! I'm In Love With My Stepdad!" I had to use him. I just _had_ to. I couldn't think of any way not to. Hope I did alright :)**

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Emma Pillsbury was confused. Finn had burst into her office nearly fifteen minutes ago, and despite the fact that he hadn't quit talking once, she wasn't entirely sure what was wrong.

"... so, I'm just thinking 'Wow, how amazing', but then I can't quit thinking that I shouldn't think that, especially not about them. What do you think?" Finn finished.

"I think that you need to slow down," Emma informed him. "Start over. What exactly is going on?"

"I think I'm in love," Finn said, unexpectedly concise.

"With Rachel Berry?" Emma asked.

"No, not Rachel. That's the problem," he said with a sigh. "Well, part of it, anyway."

"What's the other part?" Emma asked, thinking this was probably the correct line of questioning.

"It's just that... The person I'm in love with is someone I really shouldn't be in love with. Someone I care about loves them already," he whispered, ashamed of himself.

"So... a friend's girlfriend?"

"No, no... it's not even a..." he took a deep breath. "It's not even a girl."

"Oh," Emma said, understanding. "It's not a girl, it's a _woman_." She thought for a moment about the new chemistry teacher, a young, blonde thing. "Are you sleeping with a teacher?"

"What? No! He's not a teacher!" Finn exclaimed.

"Well then,what..." Emma thought for a moment. "You said 'he'. Is _that _the problem?"

"Sort of. That, and the age difference, and he doesn't even notice me that way," he sighed. "Not that he should. It would actually probably be kind of weird if he did..." Finn's voice trailed off.

Suddenly, the pieces clicked together in Emma's head. Another male, too old, and he had been _very _defensive when asked if it was a teacher.

"Finn, I need you to be completely honest with me." Finn nodded. "Look at me, Finn." Finn looked at her. "Are you having an affair with Mr. Schuester?"

"_What_? No! Are you serious? No! No, no, no!" he exclaimed.

"Okay, okay! Please stop shouting, Finn!" said the embarrassed guidance counselor.

"Sorry, I just... Oh my God, that's just... No, I am _not _having an affair with _Mr. Schuester_! That might actually be _worse _than being in love with Burt!" Finn's eyes widened as he clapped a hand over his mouth.

"_Burt Hummel_? Really?" Emma asked, shocked. Trying to regain some professionalism, she more calmly continued. "Is this mutual, Finn? Is Burt... touching you?"

"No, no," he said. "He isn't touching me. It isn't like that. He has no idea. It's just... when I was such a jerk to Kurt, even though he kinda deserved it for being so creepy, but I really shouldn't have used that word... Anyway, when I was such a jerk, Burt stood up for him, and I really respect that. And he's so good to my mom, which I just really admire. And he just gets me, you know? We can talk about like, football and cars and stuff for hours, and I kinda talked to him about some stuff that was going on with Rachel, and it's just awesome. I love him."

"You aren't in love with him, Finn. Or at least I don't think so." Emma scanned her rack of pamphlets before grabbing one. "Even so, here's a pamphlet that might help," she said as she slid a copy of "HELP! I'm In Love With My Stepdad" across her desk. "I think you just really respect and admire him, like a father. And you do love him... like a father. Okay?"

Finn nodded as a smile crept across his face.

"That's what it is. That's it. What a relief! I was kinda freaking out there, cause I'm... ya know... not gay."

"Glad I could help," Emma smiled. "Here, let me write you a note so you can go back to class..."

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**Told you it would be weird. Hope you liked :) Review if you want to. No pressure. But you should probably know that reviews are my lifeblood. Just sayin'.**


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